I've really neglected writing anything on here. Not that anyone is following.
Yet.
Everyone has bad moments in life that are hard to live through. Remembering them can be just as painful, if not more so. This is especially true when you are still going through the healing process. Looking back years down the road when everything is said and done, that's when you can look back and see how far you've come. On the other hand, if you're still in the midst of everything, it just hurts.
This happened to me around New Year's. Well, and now, but now is not as bad. You see, New Year's is the time to reflect, think about the past year, and make plans for the following. I was reflecting. Big time. The past year had been an emotional roller coaster, and looking back on it was just as bad.
The problem with depression, at least for me, is that my brain is really good at rewinding and replaying. I consider it "thinking to much", but my mom likes to say that we're rewinding tapes, which, in a way, we are. The brain likes to hook onto negative memories and emotions. For me, once that starts happening, it's hard to stop it. That's how Christmas time and New Year's was like for me. My brain played through the traumatic day of getting my mission call, returning to school, dating and breaking up (and the drama with that), struggling with hard classes, preparing and leaving for a mission, the darkness I felt thus far, being treated for depression, leaving for Mesa and the many challenges there, and finally the decision to go home and what had happened since. I would look at my friends and how they seemed to be doing so well in their lives: my best friend and former roommate was having so much success serving in her mission; several other of my friends were getting married or doing exciting things in their lives. Where was I? I had come home from a mission early because emotionally I couldn't handle it. I was at home, living with my parents, and working at Walmart.
This wasn't exactly my idea of an exciting life.
I felt like a total and complete failure. I wasn't in school. I wasn't on a mission. I wasn't hanging out with anyone or really going anywhere with my life. I felt stuck, helpless, and hopeless.
My first mistake was to compare myself against others. That never goes over well. We are all in different stages in our lives. We all have our own personal challenges.We can't really compare ourselves with others because we are all so completely different--different strengths and weaknesses, talents and abilities. We just can't do it. And it makes us feel terrible when we do it because we can never measure up to someone else's standard or ability. When we isolate our imperfections and magnify their perfections, of course we're going to feel terrible about ourselves. It's a awful trap that so many of us find ourselves in.
My second mistake was not having faith in my Heavenly Father. He knows the sorrow and pain I felt (and still feel). He knew this would happen, and he new I could learn from it. It is all part of His plan for me, even though I can't see the entire picture yet.
However, as I said, our brains tend to hang on to the negative memories and emotions. It was hard for me to see that I really was progressing, even if it wasn't quite in the way I wanted. My mom would often (and still does) point out the changes she could see in me, how I was more confident, more cheery, more relaxed. I went from breakdowns everyday to one every month or less often. These are the things I need to remember. Although I'm not exactly where I want to be, I'm doing so much better than I was, and that's what matters.
Next month will mark my one-year mark of entering the MTC. My brain is already being flooded with memories and sadness, and I wonder if it will get worse as the day approaches. The good news is that I'm more prepared; I have the tools to help combat this, and I have the friends and family to support me. I am healing. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real and powerful. He has helped me this far, and I know that he will continue to help me and strengthen me.
