It's a horrible feeling that I'm sure all can relate to.
(If you haven't had this feeling, you're either lying or crazy. Just saying.)
In between all of the tears (there were more than I would like to admit), I started thinking about the reasons for why things are going the way they are. There has to be a purpose, right? At least, that's what people keep telling me. I started thinking about the advice, specifically in regard to boys, I would give to my daughters (if I ever have any).
Sometimes, though, it's hard to tell that the person you are dating is a jerk. When hormones and emotions get involved, it's harder to see clearly what is going on. There are some things that are red flags to watch out for. though. Here are some that I have learned over all of my past relationships:
- If he makes you feel like crap (sorry for the dirty language) when you are around, then it's not right. If you leave conversations feeling worse than when you started, that's not a good sign. Relationships are a two-sided deal. If the person you're dating makes you feel inferior, then it's not right. No one deserves that. No one deserves to be belittled or talked down to. Even if it's meant to be a joke, it's wrong because even jokes have a strain of truth in them.
- Some people underestimate the power of words. The fact is, once something is said, it's out there and in your mind. If you're like me, you try really hard to please people. So, if the guy I'm dating says that I'm a liar or a cheater, even if it's over silly little things that don't really matter, you do all you can to be better. However, when it gets said many times, you start to believe it. Relationships should be about building each other up, not tearing them down.
- If he is paranoid that you're seeing other guys, well, tough cookies. Depending on the level of his suspicion, there is a good chance you won't be able to convince him otherwise. It doesn't matter what you say. He'll always think that there is another guy. Relationships require trust. If you can't trust who you are with, or if he doesn't trust you, then the relationship is not going to progress very far.
- If he doesn't take on any responsibility in an argument or disagreement. Seriously, just be a man and own up to mistakes
- Compares you frequently to his ex's. Bad sign. Be cautious with this one because it could mean that he thinks you're so much better than her--or that he is still missing her.
- He starts hanging out with and having feelings for his ex (run and hide!!). I had a personal experience with this one. With his ex-fiance, actually. Anyway, he basically couldn't get over her, so he didn't want to be with me.
- He forces you to do things you are not comfortable doing. Your feelings and thoughts are just as important as his. If he really cares about you, he'll understand when you are not comfortable with something. If he tries to push you more, then he cares more about what he wants you to do than actually you.
- If he makes you always come to him (to visit or whatever) but doesn't put forth the effort himself at other times, what makes you think things will be different once you are married. You are not obligated to take care of his every need. You serve each other, not one who serves the other.
- Blames you for things that you know you did not do or say. If you know that you didn't do those things he's accusing you of doing, then take comfort in that. You don't want to be around someone who blames you for every little bad thing
- If he gets upset that you haven't texted or talked with him or two hours, then something is not right. This is a very specific example, but it proves a point. This guy that I had barely met got upset when I didn't text him when I was playing volleyball (for only 2 hours!!!), and he chewed me out because of it. It was such a little thing. It's like he thought I didn't have a life besides him. Did I tell you I barely even knew him?! If he can't handle not hearing from you for that short a time, he is too clingy. And no one likes clingy people
- If he constantly points out your flaws and short-comings. Seriously, you don't need to take that. Yeah, we all have problem. We're not perfect. However, if he's not willing to overlook those or work with you on them, then your relationship is not going to be a happy one.
- If he wants you to change something that is fundamentally a part of you, he's not worth your time. I've had a guy who essentially said that he was afraid I will get fat and that I wasn't girly enough. Ouch. Yeah, I do struggle maintaining my weight. What girl won't in her life? Plus, he is bound to get a gut when he hits 40 anyway. And as for thinking that I'm not girly enough, well, that's his problem. I am who I am, and I'm not going to change that for him.
- If he doesn't care when you cry. That's just not cool. Especially if he's the reason why you are crying.
Most importantly, if you don't feel right about it, then it probably isn't right. That's why we date--to get to know people. If it doesn't feel right, even if he's a wonderful guy, it's just not going to work. It's better to let him know sooner rather than later. Take that from someone who knows...
As I've said, I'm not the one to come to for advice about relationships. These are just my thoughts. I do know, however, that if he makes you feel like the luckiest girl alive and treats you like the princess that you really are, then chances are, he's a keeper.
I'll let you know when I find mine.
