The thing is for depression--of all sorts, not just clinical--is that it's very much a downward spiral. It's ok to feel blue every now and then, and some people can just brush it off as a bad day. For others, however, it's a little more serious than that. For me, sometimes I wake up feeling sad for no real reason. Seriously, I don't know why. However, my brain likes to try and figure it out. There will be moments throughout the day when my brain seems to be searching for a reason why I'm feeling this way. If I end up doing poorly on a quiz that day in class, my brain tells me, "There! That's why you are sad. It's because you just don't understand this stuff." It will sometimes go as far as saying, "Why do you even try? You're just going to fail. You can't even do a simple thing such as____." Sometimes, if I'm feeling low about my self-esteem, my brain looks at other girls, how they dress, who they are with, and then explains to me, "No one likes you. You're too weird. No guy will want you when you look and dress like that." Actually, that particular list can go on and on and on. The point I'm getting at is that these thoughts that I get when I am depressed only make me feel even worse. The thoughts then escalate to a point where I just feel horrible about myself and I want to cry all the time.
Not fun.
Some people have told me to toughen up, to snap out of it. It's really not that easy, though. I get busy with things, but I still feel awful. I've had many people--friends, family, home teachers--who try to pull me out to do things when I feel this way (of course, they don't always know how I am feeling at the time), and sometimes it helps, but sometimes it makes things worse in my head.
Another thing, one of the annoying side-effects of depression, is the lack of concentration, something that has been affecting me before my mission, and has returned since I have gone back to school. I'll be sitting in class when suddenly my brain goes fuzzy, and I can't concentrate on what the professor is saying. I almost go in a dream-like state, although never actually falling asleep. Once I notice this happening, I try to fight it. I do everything: chewing gum, drinking water, doodling, standing up and walking if I'm somewhere that I can do so. Nothing, not even more sleep, seems to help this. I get frustrated in class. It seems to get worse the more I focus on it until it's like it wasn't even worth coming to class in the first place. I come home completely exhausted from fighting it, disappointed in myself, and still fuzzy-brained. Talk about a downward cycle!
So how do I combat these downward cycles?
I've been seeing therapists regularly since I've been home from my mission, and I've learned quite a few things from them. One of those things is realizing that my thoughts are not me.
Wait, what?
Yes, the thoughts are not me. We all have thoughts that flicker through are mind. Sometimes they are reasonable, sometimes they are downright stupid. They inevitably come through our mind, and to a point, we can't control them.
It's like as if our mind was a chessboard and the pieces are our thoughts. The thoughts play out on our minds, but they are not our mind. They are not us.
This was a crazy way to view things, because I always felt so guilty for some of the thoughts I've had, no matter how outrageous they seem. However, with this new view, the question changed from whether or not to have those thoughts to whether or not to believe those thoughts.
It all comes down to the concept of reality. Let's say a thought flickers in my head that I am stupid. Well, honestly, is that really true? I'd like to think not. Just because I've had a few bad test scores doesn't make me completely dumb. Even if I was, does that really change my value as a person? Smart or dumb, I'm Jesse. That's who I am. Does being smart or dumb determine if I am a good person? No! The things I do, the way I act, these are what determines who a person is. No matter how dumb or how smart I am, it will never change the fact that I am a daughter of God.
So if I can remind myself when I have those thoughts that they are just that--thoughts--and remember that they are not me, then I can do a little better with warding off depressed feelings. Sometimes I still feel sad when I tell myself these things, but it helps to combat the downward cycle of negativity.
As far as the not-being-able-to-concentrate-in-class thing goes, I'm still working on that. However, by remembering that if I perhaps do horribly this term in a class, it doesn't determine my worth. It doesn't change the fact that I am a daughter of God. I'm just trying to heal, that's all.
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