The War Is Not Over

I totally started this in October, but I never got around to finishing it or posting it. It's better late than never, I guess. Here is what I wrote:

This past month has been the month of anniversaries for me (meaning during October when I wrote this):

Oct 4-5, General Conference weekend. Particularly the Sunday sessions. This is when I had my panic attack that pretty much sent me home from my mission.

Oct 16, a year ago that day I was released as a missionary and came back home to get some medical help and counseling.

Oct 21, this is the day I would have been released from my mission if I hadn't had to go home early. It would have been the end of my 18 months. The only reason why I know this is because my mission president called me that day to see how I was doing.

My emotions have quite literally been all over the place. Some days I feel amazing, other days I just want to stay in bed and cry all day. Honestly, there may have been more of those days than I want to admit. Sometimes I look over the past year and wondered what happened. Sometimes I wonder if I have changed at all. I was an emotional mess for a large portion of the month. Am I really any better now than I was then?

Yes.

Sometimes it's hard to see improvements in ourselves, especially if they are small improvements. Sometimes, at least for me, we focus so much on the things that are still wrong in us and look over everything that has improved or healed.

This past month has been crazy and stressful for me: midterms, projects, papers, assignments, not to mention work, going to the temple, church callings, and dating. Mixed in there has been a few meltdowns, and it has forced me to think if I have really changed since this year I've been home. After all, I'm still having breakdowns. They don't occur as frequently, nor do they last for so long. That's a good thing.

That small amount of progress, though, is still progress. The war might not be over, but I'm winning some battles. Everyday is a new day, a day to start over and try again. As long as I don't stop trying, then I cannot fail.