32 Week Update: Where's the Bathroom??

I remember once, when I was very young, a mother telling me how she loved being pregnant. It was a time in her life where she just felt amazing. I really wish I could remember who this women was that said this to me so that I can tell her how much of a lie that was. In fact, I don't know of any mother who absolutely loves being pregnant.

It's been 6 weeks since the last update, and thankfully I've only had three doctor visits in that time. I've learned from the ultrasounds that the baby can move a lot. At 28 weeks, he was head down, then head up at 30, and head down again at 32 weeks. I've also learned that this baby loves to snuggle--against my hip bone. This is probably why I've been feeling so uncomfortable and heavy in that region. It also explains why my bladder feels so tiny now. There have been days this past week where I've had to run to the bathroom every 30 minutes, and I wish I could say that I was exaggerating. Maybe this baby will be a snuggler? The swelling is starting up, and my carpal tunnel has come back with a vengeance. I had it during my first pregnancy, and I was hoping it wouldn't be a problem during this one since I no longer work at a computer all day, but I was wrong. Sleeping at night is fun because if I sleep on one side, one had goes numb, but if I sleep on the other, the other hand goes numb. Sometimes I wake up every hour or two from this, and it's surprisingly painful on the joints. Then there is the usual back pain that comes from when I stand or walk for too long. So if anyone tells you how wonderful and amazing being pregnant is, they have probably forgotten all of the symptoms associated with it.

So how are things for the baby? Up until this point, my appointments have been every two weeks. Things had been pretty stable for the baby. This last visit, things changed, unfortunately. The MCA velocity they were monitoring in the brain increased, meaning the anemia is increasing for the baby. The doctor explained it pretty well, actually. The antibody I have is essentially destroying the baby's red blood cells. Fortunately, the baby was able to compensate for some of this destruction, so the MCA value looked normal. After awhile, though, the destruction of cells becomes greater than the production of cells, and that's where the increase of the MCA value shows up. It's not yet at the critically severe anemia level yet, but it's at the "warning stage." The doctor no longer feels comfortable with me coming every two weeks, so now I'm making the two-hour trip weekly. For now, we just wait. One of these trips could end up with me delivering. It could be next week, or it could be in a month. 

The funny thing is, I had a feeling that this last visit was going to be different. The whole drive home, I felt fine, like I could accept what was going to happen. And then...it hit me. The sadness, the tears, the worries. I know that the baby will be fine. Everything else indicates that the baby will be born healthy and normal, yet why am I sad? I should feel excited. I mean, I know many mothers who can't even have children, have a hard time getting pregnant, or are prone to miscarriages. We've been extremely blessed with being able to get pregnant easily, so I should be excited to see the baby soon. So why do I find myself crying over the littlest things or unable to sleep at night?

Perhaps it's a type of mourning: mourning for not being able to have the birth experience I pictured. I won't get to experience the natural process of my body going into labor. I mean, contractions are no fun, but there is a certain excitement that comes are the body gets closer and closer to delivery. Most likely, I won't get to experience that. If we have more children, I may not get to experience it then, either. They say we have a 50/50 chance of each baby having this issue, but so far, it likes like we're 2-0. The odds have definitely not been in my favor. And I'm sad that the baby will probably have to spend time in the NICU. He may have to get a blood transfusion, too. Then there are all the logistics of planning, driving, prepping. What about future children? I have strong impressions that we're meant to have more children, but then I think about how each child I bare will be put at risk. Many friends and family members have told me to not feel guilty about these things, to not blame myself, but it's harder to do than say.

This has definitely been a struggle for me. There is so much for me to process, to plan, to take care of, that I guess it's no wonder I often end up in tears. I do have to say that I'm incredibly grateful for my loving husband for supporting me through all of this. Often, he's the one with the clear head, who puts things in perspective for me. He helps with our little son, watches him during my doctor visits, makes dinner when I'm just too worn out, and even helps with cleaning (...which sometimes takes some reminding, but hey, he's willing to do it).

So, I'm not really sure how the next few weeks are going to go, but I guess we'll just take things one day at a time.