Day of Decisions

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

John 14:27

You never know that you have a problem until you realize that whatever it is is not normal. There are things that are a part of you, that you deal with everyday. It's not until you are placed in an uncomfortable, sometimes painful, situation that you realize that something is not right.

And so it is with me

My name is Jesse, uh, I mean Hermana Pothoof. I'm currently serving a full-time mission in Mesa, AZ, for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Before coming on my mission, I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and possibly an eating disorder in high school, but I thought it was normal. Everyone has off days, right? Or weeks? Everyone has breakdowns now and then, or every night. I knew something wasn't right. It did seem a bit extreme, but I had college classes to go to, friends to be with, and a mission to prepare for. It was all from the stress of trying to do too many things at once. Maybe. Maybe it is more. Coming on my mission, I realized that it is. I also realized that I can't take care of people when I can't take care of myself.

Today I talked with my mission president. Should I have been nervous? Probably, but I wasn't. He knew what I had been going through. I saw him just this past Sunday after having a nervous break-down (not one of my finer moments...). Most of all, I knew that the Lord knew what I was going through and what I had been fighting, and this gave me peace and confidence. When I talked with him, he already had come to the decision of sending me home. After talking to the doctors about how I have been on my mission so far, it seemed the logical thing to do. I knew that. He knew that. And the Lord knew that. Sometime this week, I possibly may be flying on a plane home.

Perhaps I should be sad, and I am a little. Perhaps I should also be embarrassed. What will people think when I return home early? That I did some grievous sin that I had to be sent home? Thankfully that is not the case! However, I don't have a visible ailment to use a medical release as an excuse, either (although that is what this will be). Could I not take the stress of a mission? Did I not consecrate myself in the work enough? There is a quote in Preach My Gospel (the manual missionaries use) that says, "If a missionary works, he will get the spirit...and he will be happy?" Well, I'm working! Why don't I feel the spirit? Why am I not happy?

Because there is more to it than that.

Some people have physical challenges. Some have mental. Others, like me, have emotional challenges, and I'm not ashamed of it. Why? Because I know I worked the best I could out in Arizona with what I had. Despite these feelings, I kept going. After caring for other people, now is the time to take care of myself. I'm going to kick this thing once and for all. I don't want it anymore. No mas! And the only way I can take care of this is through medical and psychological help and, most importantly, the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

And this is what brings me peace.