Third Transfer

I was so excited for my third transfer to come. It would mean that I no longer had to do the new missionary training called 12 Weeks. This training added an hour extra to our daily studies and was a way to train those new to the mission field. I was nowhere near an expert missionary, but I was done with that one little program, and it was one less thing to stress me out.

I was still with Hermana Garcia for this transfer, which was nice. We both loved the area and the people we were teaching. We met a Hispanic member named Dolores during this transfer. She was an elderly lady who didn't get out of her apartment very often because she had a lot of back pain. We frequently visited her to see how she was doing and to sing hymns with her. One thing that I found amazing about Hermana Garcia is that she loved to sing, so we sang all the time.


At the beginning of the transfer, I was doing pretty good emotionally. I felt like I was starting to get things under control. I wasn't having as many breakdowns, I woke up actually looking forward to the days, and I felt like I could actually do this missionary thing.

Then, things started to go downhill again.

Not going to lie, missionary work can be tiring. Perhaps it's not as physically demanding as other jobs I've had, but it was emotionally and spiritually demanding. I got tired easily, and tiredness is not exactly a friend of mine.

One day I just woke up and felt like crying. All day. I didn't understand why I was feeling that way. Things had been going so well the past few days. Glancing back at my journal entries, I realized that I was in a really good spot for a couple of weeks. One of my entries read,

"I am so happy, in a peaceful way. Even though we're not having a lot of success, I feel good about this area. I feel good about being a missionary. It's hard to explain, but it just fills me up. I feel like that, even though we're not converting a lot of people, I'm converting myself. I know I don't always feel this way, but I'm so incredibly grateful when I do."

Not even a week later, my journal entry changed:

"...Today I was just feeling really off, and I just started crying. I didn't know why. I've just been tired so much. The week has been really good, but I was wearing out."

That same day, I had received a blessing from my District Leader. Sometimes you just need that extra prayer of support to give you the strength to make it through another day. It did help tremendously. I felt like I could be the missionary that I needed to be. I felt like Heavenly Father was pleased with what I was doing, and that I was on the right path. That same day, it even rained! My mom always said that rain is good luck, so I took it as a sign that things would be alright.


The following day, a little girl in the Escondido branch had turned 8 and was baptized. It was such a beautiful moment to see her dressed in white with her mom, grandma, and siblings there with her. Even though the days were long and hard, it was moments like that that made it all worth it.



One of my best days out of my entire mission happened during this transfer as well: Nick was baptized!! Seriously, best day ever! Sister Garcia and I had been consistently visiting and teaching him for the past several month. We thought that he wouldn't be able to be baptized for at least another year, but after talking with our Mission President, he was able to be baptized. So many people had showed up to support him that day. I think, on that day, Heavenly Father gave me a glimpse of his love for Nick: I was so overcome with peace and happiness for him that when it came time for Sister Garcia and I to sing the musical number, I couldn't get the words out because of the tears of joy that kept coming.

You may be wondering, "Jesse, if you were having such good experiences, why did you feel sad?"

My answer: I don't know.

Depression doesn't make sense. You can be having the best day ever and still feel miserable by the end of the day. Being constantly hot, tired, and sweaty doesn't help matters, either. More than once that transfer I had a breakdown. I don't know how my poor companions put up with me! My stress levels exploded during this transfer. I remember sitting in one Zone Training Meeting that went over an extra half-hour or 45-minutes longer than it should have--and it was already quite long to begin with. I couldn't sit there. We had a special guest speaker who came, and I honestly couldn't tell you what he discussed. I know it must have been important. I know he was probably prompted by the Spirit. I just couldn't get anything out of it because I was so anxious of sitting there for hours.

Seriously, anxiety can be such a problem.

But that wasn't the only thing giving me anxiety. I felt like I had so much pressure to be the best missionary I could be. We had to make sure to have members come to all of our lessons, be on time to all of our appointments. We had meetings upon meetings to go to (why were there so many meetings??) As I became more stressed and tired, my Spanish got worse. As my Spanish got worse, my frustration grew because I couldn't understand what people were saying, and I couldn't teach.

My birthday occurred during this transfer. 21 years old! You thought I would have been happy about it. Instead, it just brought more stress and anxiety. Sister Garcia had gone out of her way to let everyone in the Branch know that it was my birthday. They gave me cards and cakes and such (My goodness--SO MANY CAKES). Looking back, I realize how incredibly sweet it was for her to do. At the time, it only made things worse. I'm normally not one to make a big deal out of my birthday, so being put in the spotlight was very uncomfortable. Combine that with my previous eating anxieties (lots of cakes, remember?) and I was not in a good place. I was very much on edge, tense, and about ready to burst into tears. The worst part of all, my companion took offense at it, thinking that I didn't appreciate what she was doing for me.

Don't get me wrong--I love my companion! I thought everything she did for me that day was really sweet and thoughtful. My anxiety just got in the way of things.

Perhaps one of the worst things that can happen on a mission is to not get along with your companion. You're with this person 24/7. The world may be falling apart, but if things are going well between the two of you, then you can make it through the situation with your head held up. If things were not going well...then nothing goes well.

And that's kind of what happened during that transfer. I just felt like everything I did offended my companion. Sometimes little things I said or suggested would set her off, and the next thing I knew, I was hiding back in my little tortoise shell and not saying a word. I know part of it had to do with the language and cultural barrier. When things got a little rough between us, I couldn't even go somewhere else to be alone and cool off. I needed my alone time, and I couldn't get any.

I spent more time in the Mission President's home than I am comfortable admitting. They were just parts of days where I felt so overwhelmed that I just couldn't go out and teach. With the Mission President's wife, we made cookies or played games. It was a nice break. However, whenever I thought about going back and teaching, the anxiety and panic set in, and I just couldn't do it.

One of the frustrating things about anxiety is that it lead you to feeling bad about it preventing you from doing something that you know you should be doing something. This tends to lead to guilt, which then increases depression as you feel like a total failure.

So, it was no surprise when I found myself back seeing the therapist again. She asked me what had changed. I don't know--I just felt awful. I was in a fight-or-flight mode, and I just wanted to run. In fact, while I'm writing this post, I still want to run--run from the feelings and memories. I learned, though, that running doesn't get you anywhere--it just makes you more tired. At some point you need to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and face the problem.

And that is what I did at the end of the transfer.

Round 2: Transfers

Transfers were stressful times in and of themselves. As a missionary, every six weeks we had transfers, meaning that we had the possibility of switching areas, switching companions, both, or neither. Sometimes this can be a nerve-wracking time of the transfer because of so many unknowns. For others, the change was appealing (especially if the area that you were serving in or your companion was difficult). My first transfer I stayed in the same area, but I was to switch companions.

The fact that I was staying in the same area was comforting. After all, I knew the people, I knew the area, I knew what was going on. On the other hand, my trainer, who was leaving to another area, knew everyone and everything WAY better than I did. She had been there for several transfers and fit in really well with the Hispanics there. How would I be able to fill those giant shoes?

I was also getting a companion who was native to Mexico. Well, that was a blessing because she knew the culture firsthand and would be able to relate with them. However, she didn't start learning English until her mission, and we still covered an English ward. Not only would I be showing her around, introducing her to the area, I knew I wouldn't be able to communicate well with her. I knew some Spanish, she some English. We came from different backgrounds. Would I be able to do something like this? Oh, and on top of that, I now became the designated driver.

Did I ever mention that I really don't like driving? Truth.

Needless to say, I was really nervous about this transfer, which didn't help my depression nor my anxiety.

Then on the P-day right before transfers, my mom sent me an email that was just the slap in the face I needed, so to speak:

You have the strength in you.  It sounds easier that it is, but I know the Lord would not just leave you hanging.  You just need to rely upon him and try your best and GET OFF YOUR BACK!  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Yes it is hard and hot but your can pull up your britches and do what you have to.

Needless to say, I really needed this. It sounded exactly like what my mom would say and was the motivation I needed to keep going. I had the renewed hope that I needed to keep going. Aren't moms great that way?

So, Hermana Garcia became my companion. Seriously, she was such a sweet missionary. This ended up being probably the best transfer I had. Even though we both struggled with each other's language, the Spirit was able to make up for what our language couldn't. I would help her with English, and she would help me with my Spanish. I felt like we worked well together, and others around us could see that.

However, it was during this transfer that my anxiety started to mount. Instead of the normal one hour of language study, my companion was supposed to do two hours. On top of that, our mission president asked her to study how to drive for a half hour each day so that she could get her license in the States. Hermana Garcia was a very obedient missionary, so she did what she was asked to do. However, with all of the extra studying, we often didn't leave the apartment until 2:30 in the afternoon.

Everyday I grew more and more anxious. I felt like I wasn't being a real missionary because we didn't have many lessons with all the studying we had to do. I started even getting claustrophobic in our little apartment. During the day, window blinds had to be open. If possible, doors had to be open. Otherwise, I would feel trapped.

The Mesa Arizona temple had a Visitor's Center that was open to the public. Anyone could come in to learn about the LDS religion, about our temples, families, and God's love for His children. Certain sister missionaries are called to the Visitor's Center to work there daily. Hermana Garcia was one of them. Every Friday morning we had her VC (visitors' center) prep meeting. I can understand how they are helpful for VC sisters, but for someone like me who served full-filled (meaning that I strictly served in the community and not in the VC), the meetings didn't mean much. I honestly tried to get something out of them, but there was not much that I could apply into my own missionary efforts. For me, it was just one more meeting to sit through; one more thing to add to my anxiety. It through our Friday schedules completely out of whack. We had the meeting and wouldn't get home until about mid-morning (if I recall, it was probably about 10 or later). Then we had all of our studies to do, which we condensed because we also had at least three hours of weekly planning.

I began to really dislike Fridays.

The one blessing that came from the VC meetings was choir. I love to sing, always have, although my voice isn't the best. It allowed for some stress relief on those days. Not much, but it helped. To this day, however, if I hear those same songs that we sang then, I can't help but tear up at the memory of the anxiety I had when I first sang those songs.

Hermana Garcia quickly learned that I was struggling. After all, when you spend 24 hours a day everyday with someone, you learn quickly. Well, that and also that I was seeing a therapist at the time. It's not exactly something that I could hide. Perhaps one of the qualities I love best about Hermana Garcia is that she always wanted to help. She would ask me if there was anything she could do. Often, there wasn't, but it was nice to have someone around that cared. We did, however, find some ways to help me out. During our lunch breaks, I started wandering around the yard by our apartment to stretch my legs and get some sunshine. Sometimes we moved part of our studies to one of the local church buildings. The change of scenery really helped. Then, during our lunch breaks, we would play basketball in the gym. Neither one of us were particularly good, but it was fun and a break that I needed.

One of my favorite moments with Hermana Garcia happened one evening when she was having a hard day. It was a P-day. For whatever reason, she was just feeling emotionally off. We were to have a lesson with Nick, but she just didn't have the energy to for it. In fact, we had a few appointments for that evening, but we cancelled them all. Our plan was to possibly stay at home for the evening. Nick, being the amazing young man that he is, told us to come over even though Hermana Garcia was in her pajamas. We spoke to him through our car window. He and my companion got along really well, and he was able to cheer her up. Afterwards, I treated her out to a shake at Sonic. There was one really close to where we lived. By the way, the peanut butter chocolate shake literally became my favorite treat when I was in Mesa. Next, we went to a park, sat on the swings, and just talked. I think it was a healing moment for both of us. It's memories like these that made the mission worth it. We didn't go out to teach, but we were still able to serve each other. One thing I learned from that night is that your companion (or whoever you are close to) comes first. People are important.

Being a Mesa Missionary

The first area I served in was part of the Kimball Zone. Our particular area was relatively small area, and one could drive from one end to the other in about 10 minutes. It felt to me very small compared to the areas that missionaries have back in Wisconsin. The interesting part is that Hermana Watkins and I covered the same area that three other sets of missionaries did with the only difference being that we were assigned over the Hispanic branch and a Young Single Adult (YSA) ward. The other sets of missionaries in our area covered one or two English wards in about the third of the space that we did. With so many wards and church members, I felt like I was back in Utah again, but hotter.

Despite being nauseous for the first week and a half, I really grew to love this place. I could tell you where everything was, where members lived, how to get from one end to the other, which parts were to be avoided at night, and where the nearest Sonic was (priorities, right?). I met so many people who have influenced my life and who I think about nearly everyday since.

Admittedly, I was very intimidated when I first arrived. Hermana Watkins knew everyone and everything. She had been a very effective and helpful missionary in that area, and I wondered if I could do the same. Then I started meeting these wonderful people.

Vanessa one of the first people that I met. She was a less-active member of the church, about my age, with a personal background that seemed so much like a cheesy telenovela, except that it was all real. From what I learned through Hermana Watkins, Vanessa had some rough things happen to her but from the few months prior to me coming, she had changed her life drastically, and for the better. I quickly grew to love her, and she became our go-to person when we were having a bad day or if we had some extra time.

Carlos was a young man who lived with Vanessa and her family. For being someone who had been learning english for only a year, he spoke way better english than I did spanish. He was not a member of the church but had been taking lessons from the missionaries once he started staying at Vanessa's home. Again, here was a guy with a crazy background of things you only see on TV. He was a sweet guy with a big heart and a love for cooking (and it was really good food, too).

Franchessga was also one of the first people I met. She was a young lady about my age with about the biggest heart I've ever seen. Adrian and Chaz were a pair of artistically ambitious brothers. Adrian has published a book and is currently working on the rest of the series (I have yet to read the first one--sad, I know!), and Chaz has been working on making his own animated movie.

And then there was Nick. We inherited him from the elders in our district because, even though he lived in their area, he was technically YSA, and so we were able to teach him. Actually, that whole process was somewhat an ordeal, but that's a story for another time.

Luis and Laura were a hispanic couple with three young children. When I came to the area, the two oldest children had been baptized. Laura wanted so badly to be baptized--she could practically teach us all the discussions herself, and went to church even after working long days in the field picking fruit. Unfortunately, Luis and Laura were not married and could not be until Luis' divorce papers went through in Mexico. Until they were married, Laura could not be baptized. For someone outside the LDS church, this may seem a bit strange that we cannot allow someone to be baptized if they are living with someone of the opposite sex, but it comes down to being chaste--not having any sexual relations outside of marriage. Many people will lose interest in the Church because of this, especially among the hispanics where I was serving; marriage required getting visas and having the money to do so, and many that we talked to didn't see the need to be married. Laura, however, was not discouraged. In fact, several months ago while catching up with a member back in Mesa, I discovered that Luis and Laura had indeed been married, and Laura was baptized. Such a sweet experience shows me that our God will take care of those who believe in Him.

Of course, there were many others we met every single day. Some we would see only a few times before we lost contact with them, others would show no interest from the start, and some wouldn't even open the door for us (even though we knew that they were home and could hear the door lock click). With all these wonderful people and experiences, one may wonder how I even had time to be sad, but somehow I could.

Sometimes it was the day-to-day things that would bring it on. Our day looked something like this: We would get up about 6 am to play sports with our district or zone. I'm so glad that Hermana Watkins was an athletic young woman because she would always want to go and play sports. For me, doing so helped relieve some of the mounting anxiety. When we were done around 7, we would come home and get ready for the day. By 8 am were were doing personal study; 9 am was companion study; 10 am was also companion study, but it was specifically aimed at my personal training as a missionary; 11 am we would have an early lunch; 12 pm would be language study. By 1 pm we would be out visiting people, teaching, and serving. Dinner was usually at 5 pm, and then by 6 we were again out with lessons. By 9 we would be back in our apartment to plan for the next day. Then we got ready for bed and were in bed by 10:30.

It was quite the day. Everyday.

My problems would start as early as the morning. I looked forward to sports every morning. I think it may have been what got me out of bed. Where things started to go downhill was during studies. That brain fuzziness that I struggled with in the MTC and back as school was still there. I couldn't focus, no matter what I did. I tried to take notes, to look for things for the people I was teaching, look for themes. All I would get out of it was sleepiness and fuzziness. I felt like I was swimming all day. When it came time to do companion study, I struggled pulling myself back to where we were and to participate. This brought frustration to my companion as we tried to work together. I just couldn't do it. I was supposed to be learning to teach by the Spirit, to follow impressions or thoughts that I was getting--but I wasn't getting anything. The bathroom became my new favorite place because it was the one place I could go that I didn't have to be with my companion. It was there that I would cry. Of course, more than once I cried in front of my companion.

The problem was, everyone told me that the first transfer, or 6 weeks, is hard for everyone. It wasn't uncommon to cry and want to give up. What I couldn't seem to tell anyone was that I knew that this was more than just feeling like the mission was hard--I actually had a problem. I would get so down about myself because I just couldn't function. I would literally be sitting in the middle of a lesson with my brain moving so sluggishly, the fuzziness overwhelming. More than once my companion would get upset at me for hardly speaking during lessons, but my challenge was two-fold: I was still learning the language, and with all the fog, I couldn't process what was going on anyway. Honestly, I would try so hard to pay attention, but I couldn't do it, and that would in turn make me feel depressed. How was I supposed to help these people when I couldn't feel the Spirit and when I just felt so miserable?

Finally, by the end of the transfer, after talking with my companion and mission president, I was to go see a therapist again. She was out of town for a while, so I had to wait even longer to go and see her. The wait was awful. Everyday it would take all that I had--and more--just to get through. I would literally pray all the time, begging Heavenly Father for some relief so that I could help his children. Somehow I would make it to the end of the day and crash, but I couldn't find the relief.

If everyday as being a missionary would be like this, I wasn't sure I could do 18 months of it.

Hot, Tired, and Nauseous

I really debated about writing about my mission, hence the fact that I haven't posted anything in quite a while. Well, that and the fact that school keeps me so busy that I don't have much time to sit down and actually write something. Also, I really don't want to portray my mission in a bad light. Many wonderful things happened during it. However, when someone is depressed, it's hard to not focus on the many bad things that happened, even if they are seemingly little.

My first week in Arizona was definitely one of the hardest weeks of my mission. We flew out early Tuesday morning, nearly six weeks after being in the MTC. The excitement on the bus and plane was tangible. I couldn't figure out if I was excited or sad. Driving out of Provo itself nearly brought me to tears. Why do painful memories always pop up at inconvenient times? Before I knew it, though, we were on the plane. All the missionaries around me were excited, and I couldn't help but feel so, too.

My first sight of the Grand Canyon ever was on that flight. I also remember how everything was brown and dry-looking--definitely not the lush green that I was used to seeing in Wisconsin. Although I wasn't going to a different country, I almost felt like I was in a different world.

It was hot that day, more hot than I expected. Everything seemed to have a haze, but perhaps that was just me being dehydrated. Our first stop was at the Mesa Temple where we met our Mission President, his wife, and had many pictures taken. I remember looking at the temple and thinking that it didn't look like the pictures. I blame the heat-haze because later on in my mission I realized how gorgeous the temple is.

It was only about midday, but all of us were exhausted, and we still had many things to do for the day; training and discussions. I couldn't wait for lunch--none of us could. I had started developing a headache by then and was feeling nauseous. The water didn't help. For anyone who is from Arizona or has had the water, you'll know that it's gross. I'm sorry, but it is, and no one will deny it. So starting to feel sick and knowing that I needed to drink more, I was kind of in a bind.

In my mission, the first day of new missionaries is called Day-Training. The new missionaries get paired up with another companionship and spend the rest of the evening with them. I went with a pair of native Spanish-speaking sisters. Needless to say, with my rusty language skills, I was a bit lost that day.

Our first stop was at a member's home for dinner. The day was hot, and all there was to drink was soda. My anxiety about the food already started to kick in. The lady had a thick Spanish accent--I had no idea what was going on the whole time. She was very sweet, though, and I could tell she loved the missionaries. There were a couple other set of missionaries there as well for dinner, and they all seemed to enjoy being there.

Just imagine this with a huge
dollop of salsa verde. Oh, and
flan for dessert.

Dinner was...unexpected. I'm not exactly sure what it was, but basically it was a type of macaroni and cheese with green salsa on the side. I'm not sure why it was that way, but it didn't help with my nausea. Not only that, trying to be a brave missionary, I accepted another serving of it.

To this day, I still struggle eating pasta.

My anxiety was hitting the uncomfortable level at this point. My stomach was sick, my distorted thinking saw myself gaining weight as the night went on, I was in a place where I didn't know the language, and I had no idea what was going to happen. I could barely focus the rest of the night, and believe me, I tried. However, when 9 o'clock came that night, I was more than ready to go to bed.

Despite being exhausted, I couldn't sleep that night. I felt awful and sick--mentally and physically. I got up several times because of my stomach. The water, in this sisters' apartment, still tasted awful. The worst part of all, was the noise.

I really don't know what it was, but it felt grating, sending goosebumps up my spine and down my arms. The only thing I could think of what it could be was that it was one of the sisters grinding her teeth. I don't know if that is really what it was, but I couldn't sleep, and it went on all night long.

As grateful as I was for night to come, I was even more grateful for the morning to come. We got up at 6:30 am, said our morning prayers, and had our half-hour of exercise. I couldn't wait to run or do something to get the anxiety out of me. Except, these sisters' idea of exercise wasn't running or doing any sort of sport--it was stretching. My first thought was, "is this what all missionaries do for exercise?" If so, I wasn't going to make it. With all my anxiety, I could easily have run a few miles non-stop, but I was stuck in a little apartment, stretching.

Later that morning, all of the Day-Trainers and their new missionaries went to the Mission Office for some words and training before the new missionaries would get their trainers, a companion we would be with for the next 6 weeks. I wasn't feeling at all good, and I told my temporary companions so. They suggested that I get a blessing from the Mission President. We met him before the big meeting and told him the situation. He then proceeded to give me a blessing, one which was very tender and brought me to tears.

The only problem was, when I went to the bathroom to clean up, the tears didn't stop coming. It was the heaving sobs that I had experienced just a couple months before. I couldn't control myself. I don't know how long I was in the bathroom, but I didn't come out for awhile. When I finally did, I sat in the office with the secretary, blotting my runny nose with many tissues.

I wanted to go home. I knew I couldn't, though. If I left right then and there, what would people think of me? No, I had to toughen up. Once I got in the swing of things, everything would feel much better. I put on a brave face and walked back into the church building where the meeting would be held. I tried, unsuccessfully, to hold back the tears, to compose myself. I saw my MTC companion, bright-eyed with excitement. She knew me well enough by then to know I wasn't doing well at all.

I got my first companion then: Hermana Watkins. She was very sweet and very excited to show me around my new area. She had been in this little area in Mesa for several months. She knew the people well, knew the language, and was confident that this would be a good transfer.

We also spoke with the Mission President before heading back to our designated area. He, too, showed the same confidence and excitement that Hermana Watkins had that this would be a good transfer.

I just wish I could have felt that same feeling.

The War Is Not Over

I totally started this in October, but I never got around to finishing it or posting it. It's better late than never, I guess. Here is what I wrote:

This past month has been the month of anniversaries for me (meaning during October when I wrote this):

Oct 4-5, General Conference weekend. Particularly the Sunday sessions. This is when I had my panic attack that pretty much sent me home from my mission.

Oct 16, a year ago that day I was released as a missionary and came back home to get some medical help and counseling.

Oct 21, this is the day I would have been released from my mission if I hadn't had to go home early. It would have been the end of my 18 months. The only reason why I know this is because my mission president called me that day to see how I was doing.

My emotions have quite literally been all over the place. Some days I feel amazing, other days I just want to stay in bed and cry all day. Honestly, there may have been more of those days than I want to admit. Sometimes I look over the past year and wondered what happened. Sometimes I wonder if I have changed at all. I was an emotional mess for a large portion of the month. Am I really any better now than I was then?

Yes.

Sometimes it's hard to see improvements in ourselves, especially if they are small improvements. Sometimes, at least for me, we focus so much on the things that are still wrong in us and look over everything that has improved or healed.

This past month has been crazy and stressful for me: midterms, projects, papers, assignments, not to mention work, going to the temple, church callings, and dating. Mixed in there has been a few meltdowns, and it has forced me to think if I have really changed since this year I've been home. After all, I'm still having breakdowns. They don't occur as frequently, nor do they last for so long. That's a good thing.

That small amount of progress, though, is still progress. The war might not be over, but I'm winning some battles. Everyday is a new day, a day to start over and try again. As long as I don't stop trying, then I cannot fail.

First Week of the Mission

Honestly, I'm not sure how I made it through that first week. Everyone told me that if I could make it through until Sunday, I would be in good shape. However, when Sunday rolled around, I was still a bit of a mess. I told myself that if I could make it to the following Wednesday, then I'd be good. Maybe.

The routine of a missionary is very different than everyday life. Being the MTC is even more strange. Everything is scheduled: we'd get up a little before 6 (in the actual mission-field, missionaries usually get up at 6:30) and quickly get ready for our gym period at 6:05. Afterwards we would clean up and go to our classroom for an hour of personal study. Finally it would be time for breakfast (we would all be starving by then. I wasn't used to having a late breakfast). Once that half-hour or so was up, we went back to our classroom for three hours of class. The morning for me was devoted instruction on speaking Spanish and grammar. A chunk of those three hours was given to study with your companion and prepare for teaching our "investigators" (they were actually just our teachers acting like someone interested in learning about the LDS church). Next was lunch, another chance to stretch our feet before sitting in the classroom for another three hours or so. This portion of the day was generally directed towards Gospel principles and how to teach them. We again had an "investigator" to teach. Then we had either more study time or we were permitted to go to the computer lab and use the TAL program to help with vocab and grammar. Then it was dinner. Once that was over, we went back into the classroom for more language and personal study.

There were some things that broke up the monotony of all the studying: Every Sunday and Tuesday night there was a devotional. Every Tuesday evening was choir practice, and we sung for the Sunday devotionals. I attended these because I love to sing (although I'm not very good), it gave me a break from all my studying, and it helped with anxiety. Other than these few things, the days were very much the same. Everyday we get up, exercise, study, eat, study, eat, study, eat, study.

According to most of the RMs (returned missionaries) that I've talked to, they all said the the MTC was absolutely amazing. For me, that was not the case. Don't get me wrong--I loved the devotionals and the spiritual learning, not to mention the wonderful BYU brownies and ice cream served there. I just felt trapped. We could only stay within the little campus, which was gated, except on trips to the temple on P-days or special circumstances such as going to the health center. Outside the gate and down the block was the apartment I had lived at just a few days prior. I could see BYU campus from there. It felt strange to see it, to hear the belltower ring every hour, but not to be able to go there. We stayed in the same classroom all day, everyday. I think this is where the majority of my anxiety for sitting too long in one spot or staying in the same room for too long really started to develop. I think it must have also added to why I don't like having many closed windows or doors--I feel trapped inside.

These are a lot of new changes for any new missionaries. For me, I think I was just extra susceptible due to all the craziness that happened so recently. I made it through that first week, yes, but not without first having a massive breakdown--outside the temple, of all places.

My first P-day was the following Wednesday from when I reported to the MTC. I remember waiting
for that day with such great anticipation. I remember desperately wanting to see an email from my family, just to know that I was loved. Early in the day, we as a missionary district walked up to the Provo temple. Memories flooded through my mind as I remember walking there so many times, usually with my best friend Kaylyn. Oh, how I missed her then! I kept thinking about all the love she had shown me as a friend that past year and how poorly of a friend I was. Just like that my head was swarmed with memories, regrets, and pain. I thought about how I once went to the temple with Dan, how fun that evening was but how things had so drastically changed shortly after that. The wave of memories and emotions hit me so hard that it left me gasping. I stood in the dressing room of the temple, clutching at my heart. It hurt. Like a physical stab, my heart and chest ached. So much pain. I stood there several moments, trying to collect myself and willing myself not to cry.

My companion and I walked out of the temple. I told her I needed to walk for a moment, so we headed to the backside of the temple. I couldn't hold it in any longer; I collapsed on a bench and started crying. Not just crying. Bawling. I told her I needed to see someone about this. If I was going to be a successful missionary, I needed to heal from these emotional wounds. I needed to overcome my depression.

Hermana Schumacher was a blessing to me. She didn't judge. She didn't scold and tell me to snap out

of it. No, she listened to me. For so long I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about how I was feeling, that no one would listen or want to listen, but here she was, sitting patiently as I told her through sobs my story.

We decided that I would see the counselor at the MTC. That became the first of many therapy and doctor visits. I started taking medication. I tried new things to help me feel better. I started trusting more people with my story and admitting some of my fears and distorted thinking that had been plaguing me since middle school. To this day, I still see a therapist near-weekly. I take medication. I take care of myself. I'm doing so much better than I was at that time, but the road has been rough, and each day continues to be a challenge to overcome.

I made it through that week, somehow, undoubtedly through divine intervention. It took many prayers at night, many tearful pleadings to my Heavenly Father for help and comfort. It took the love and support of my wonderful friends, family, and companion. I am so grateful for them all.

What to Do When the Blues Hit

Thanks to my many wonderful friends and amazing therapist, I have started developing an arsenal of things to do when those depressive moments hit. Here is a shout-out to Tammy and Amanda who have given me wonderful advice. (Amanda, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I haven't responded back yet. Oops!) Anyway, I just wanted to share some of the things that have helped me that perhaps someone else might benefit from them. They are not in any particular order, and not all of them work all of the time. Often I have to switch between many of these in order for something to help. Some days nothing helps, and then it's just a matter of making it through the day.

1) BREATHE! This is probably the most effective for me, and it can be done anywhere. Just breathe in for about five seconds, and then breathe out for five seconds. It's amazing how well this works! Oxygen begins flowing better throughout your body, and you start to relax. Suddenly decisions and stressful moments become a little easier.

2) Exercise. Anyone who knows me even a little knows that I love to work out. I'm that crazy person who is at the gym at six every morning. Many times people comment on how dedicated I am, but I usually don't tell them the real reason why I do it: it helps control my depression and anxiety. More specifically, it helps me best with anxiety because I struggle to sit for very long. If I haven't exercised, I get super anxious. Sometimes if I have long days of sitting or studying, I'll also take an afternoon walk or something to stretch my legs again. It also helps me mentally for depression. When I'm having a really off day, if I can, I'll push myself harder to burn out the sad feelings. Other days when I have no energy, I'll lower the intensity, but I'll still do it.

3) Eat well. Food is extremely important for the body and well as the mind. When I don't eat enough during the day or not very well, I have a greater tendency to get depressed. There is a reason why doctors recommend fish oils so much for this. The oils help with reactions in your brain. Eating a healthy balanced diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables really make a difference in how you feel.

4) Treat yourself. Along the same lines as the previous tip, it's good to eat well, but it's also good to treat yourself once in a while. When you have that little snack or dessert, suddenly the day seems a little more manageable. I'm not saying that you should go out and buy a tub of ice cream and eat it right then. You'll feel even worse after that! Especially if your depression is because of your poor self-image. Eating so much sugar like that will leave you feeling bloated (your body holds three grams of water for every gram of carbohydrate) and just sick. My go-to is usually a spoonful of peanut butter or a little bit of chocolate. Cliche, I know, but it works. If I have the time or means, I sometimes make myself a fun or delicious dinner or treat myself at a cheap restaurant. Remember, I am a poor college student.


5) Do something with your hands. I personally keep a coloring book handy. Don't judge! It has dinosaurs--completely legit. This usually works when I'm in the library or somewhere that I can take a break from homework. When I'm at meetings, in class, or anywhere where a coloring book would not be appropriate (crazy, right?), then I make sure to have a pen and paper to doodle. This was especially effective on my mission when we had meetings all the time. It helped me to focus more on my hands and what the speaker was saying while not focusing as much on my anxious legs that wanted to move. I even did cross-stitch for a while, too, on my mission because it was cheap and looked (usually) nice when done.



6) Sleep. Just don't overdo it. Then you will feel worse and sluggish. It's important to keep a normal sleep pattern and try to get 7-8hours of sleep if possible. Yes, that means not procrastinating on homework or other assignments. Maybe your social life won't like you for a while, but your body and brain will. Then you might actually start wanting to be more social and having the energy to do so.

7) Give yourself permission to take a break. My problem is that I can't sleep, even if I'm exhausted. Instead, I take time for myself to relax. At first this was really difficult for me because I felt like I was wasting time and should have been working or studying. In reality, when I tried to force myself to keep working, I wasn't effective. It would have been like I hadn't done anything at all. However, after giving myself a break or taking the night off, I would be more productive the next day because I wasn't emotionally worn out.

8) Confide in someone that you trust. I have been seeing a therapist pretty much since my first week in the MTC. Before my mission, I certainly had people I could talk to, although as my reporting date loomed closer, I closed myself off somewhat because I didn't think I could trust anyone with my real feelings about going on a mission. The therapists I had in the MTC and in Mesa were fantastic. I felt like I could totally tell them everything that was on my mind, although it was hard to do sometimes. Well, they are paid to listen, right? On top of that, Heavenly Father blessed me with wonderful companions and a loving mission president and his wife to help me through things. When I got home from my mission, I told very few people about what was going on. I only really had my parents and a therapist around at that time (all of which were so loving and understanding), but I've kept in contact with friends. Coming back to college, I again have few people to confide with, but I cherish them deeply. I am becoming more open about things, but there are only a few that I share the whole story with because I know that they will not judge me.

9) Pray. Really, this should have been up next to 'breathe' because it's such a crucial thing. Prayer is literally what sustained me day-to-day on my mission. Sometimes it was the only thing that could keep me going hour-to-hour. Often I felt like my faith was too weak, but I had enough to trust in God that things would be ok. My head would never totally clear, but I would find enough energy to help me through the rest of the day. I still have days like that. Prayer is such a powerful resource, I've learned, and I feel like sometimes we under-use it.


10) Cry a little. Seriously, it's ok. It helps purge out the awful feelings and sometimes leaves you feeling much better.

11) Listen to good music or relax with a funny movie. A lot of people I know like to listen to sad and depressing music for when they are feeling down, but for myself, I realized that I feel worse if I do so. Instead I prefer to listen to something fun and upbeat, something I can sing along to or even dance to. Sometimes you do just need to dance. At night if my head is filled with worries, anxieties, or depressive thoughts, relaxing instrumental music helps calm me down enough to sleep. As for movies, I avoid things that make me cry. Life is already sad enough without adding more sadness through film. Funny movies leave me feeling more uplifted and positive about life.

12) Serve. Do something for someone else. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to actually do it. We have to yank ourselves out of our pity-party and think about another person. It's hard to do, but when you're done, you feel a little better. For a brief moment you forget about your own pain and think of what another person needs. It doesn't have to be big. For me, I love to bake (another one of my stress-relievers), so I'll make something and give it to someone who lives in my apartment complex. They love the food, I love the baking, and both feel better.

13) Medication. There is a lot of negative stigma with taking medications to help with these mental problems. Some people view the medication that changes who you really are.  I admit that I was a bit nervous at first about taking medicines, afraid that they would change me. I always thought of how people would call them "happy pills". In reality, that is not how they work. If used properly, they merely help balance out the chemicals in the brain. I'm not quite sure how it all works, but they help level out the emotions so that there are not these giant dips in moods. Chronic depression is NOT a normal state. People are not meant to be sad all the time. "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25). We are supposed to have joy, but something in our brains tells us that it is not so. The medicines bring the chemicals in the brain back to normal, or at least more balanced, so that we can feel more normal. I definitely have recognized the difference when I'm really depressed and when I'm not, and honestly, the depression side of me is not my normal 'me'.

I hope this helps someone out there. Feel free to comment with more ideas if anyone has something that's been helpful.